Classical garb is always good for a flattering fallback: loose fabrics easily cover an unruly paunch, headbands disguise greasy hair, and gladiator sandals…oh wait…no, gladiator sandals are never a flattering fallback.
In a city where professional ladies are accustomed to wearing stiff attire, the summer should be a time to revel in moderately relaxed luxury—which does not include transparently faddish trends. Yet, the past few years have seen a rise in be-strapped sandals, which evolved from shredded strips of leather to gratuitously entangled bondage numbers to bizarre cloth encasings that offer neither the protective purpose of shoes nor the airy appeal of sandals. Sure, these are feats of artistic design, but the off-runway look is genuinely unforgiving for those of us who don’t have 9-foot-long legs. The core of the design—excessive ankle straps—conceals one of the most shapely parts of the leg, rendering calves into tube-like noodles without form or curve. Even those blessed with tiny ankles and slim stems look stumpy when wearing a pair of gladiator sandals—the result being more fitting for a hairy, oversized ogre than a graceful Grecian goddess.
In addition to its cankle-inducing effect, the gladiator sandal—which, let’s be honest, is really just a glorified Teva—also suffers from its own trendiness. Minneapolis is not exactly at the cutting edge of the fashion world, but for a city with a lot of class, it’s sad to see the unquestioning embrace of an obvious fad—and a marginally trashy one, at that. If you must—and really, you mustn’t—don a pair of these shoes, at least try to avoid all the bells and whistles: studs, feathers, weird textured fabrics, spider-web casing, etc.
If too much trendiness equals total tackiness, then spin-off iterations—in this case, the gladiator heel and gladiator boot—are even more egregious. While the former can, in select cases, actually look quite sexy (specifically when paired with an otherwise simple outfit), the latter is probably the most ridiculous spawn of this whole wave. And it’s not like it even works on the models either. No, gladiator boots are the worst kind of trend: ugly for the sake of being edgy, but not quite edgy because they’re creatively uncompelling. Then of course there’s the splooge factor, as pinched patches of skin squeeze through the tight, knee-high bands. Unbecoming is an understatement.
Whatever shape or form, gladiator sandals are unflattering and indicate a lack of style originality. There are plenty of kick-ass alternatives in the footwear market—especially during these sultry summer months—so spare yourself the unnecessary humiliation and opt for a simpler look.
If you need any further persuading, just watch these two blonde muppets squawk about “THE. HOTTEST TREND OUT THERE!”, and your warrior fantasies will instantly subside.
